08/08/2024
I sent this letter to the New York Times. It really is an essay as much as a simple response to Peter Coy's opinion piece on How to Get People to Do What You Want Them to Do. So, if you click on "more" you will have a long read:
To the Editors,
I have no problem at all with Mr. Peter Coy’s article / opinion: How to Get People to Do What You Want Them to Do. Persuading people effectively is a highly useful tool in the effort to get what you want. My thoughts approach the topic come from a different point of view; one that I created in response to my efforts to help individuals convicted of domestic violence to change their behaviors. It grew out of my serious study of Rollo May’s 1972 book, Power and Innocence – subtitled: The Search for the Sources of Violence. Dr. May’s premise is surprisingly simple, without being at all simplistic: Violence grows out of powerlessness. I would add, that being powerless to get a thing/situation that is highly important to you, is also a critical factor. With small matters, we often let them go and just grieve the loss.
My thinking was that if this matter of powerlessness and violence is true, and if I wanted to help individuals avoid having to use violence to get what they want, then the appropriate question really should eb: How many ways are there to get what you want from another person? Once I began to ask this question of my convicted individuals in their intake interviews, I was fully taken aback to discover that virtually no one could answer the question. It’s almost as if that question had never been formed, or was considered so obvious that it needn’t be answered! Once I formed the question, however, it became something I focused on for a long time before I had an answer that satisfied me. And so, before reading on, I wonder if you – any of you and your bright and talented staff have an answer: How many ways are there to get what you want from another person? And if you settle on a number, what is that number?
To my mind, these past three years have been times when powerlessness has been keenly felt. It seems to me in using my own anecdotal tool of how badly people are driving their cars and trucks, that it is the norm now for people to be driving faster (in spite of super high gas prices) and more easily sparked to some level of irritation or road rage. And, more seriously, the mass shooting and the numbers of gun violence incidents all bespeak the plague of powerlessness. And before venturing any further, I know the common adage that “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” is a norm many have when even thinking about power. I am using the term in its simplest meaning: your capacity to get what you want or need.
So, how many ways are there to get what you want from another person and what are they?
There are ONLY four ways to get what you want from another person: Request, Deal, Manipulation and Force.
Request is simple enough: you ask the other person to give it to you. People who are in powerful and loving relationships can get most of what they want and need with a simple request. The problem is that in dealing with children making infinite requests, most adults are fearful of the rejection inherent in the request.
Deal is what we do all the time, though mostly as an unconscious activity: How much do you want for that old car there? As long as both parties feel that the exchange is fair (from their perspective) and as long as both parties keep their side of the agreement, you have a good deal.
Manipulation is the dividing line: Essentially, as Coy argues in his article, working on another person’s mind, to advance your own interests is a form or persuasion – what I prefer to call manipulation. But I said there are such things as a good manipulation and a bad manipulation. Good manipulations don’t do any damage to the other person. Negative manipulations are designed to injure the other person, whether their self-esteem or other psychological state or their pocketbook or both. Examples of positive manipulations: authentic expressions of care, affirmation and acknowledgement. Negative manipulations: guilt, shame and threats of force.
And then, finally, force, which is self-explanatory.
Why the question of “How many ways are there to get what you want?” is so difficult is because there are literally thousands of variations of the four. You can have a request that’s simple or complex. There are infinite possibilities for deals. Likewise with the use of manipulations – authentic compliments and deceitful assertions. And force: from a poke in a chest to an all-out war against another country.
We don’t teach our children the four ways of getting what they want. They pick it up from their parents and social units they participate in. We don’t think of violence as a result of powerlessness and then ask, “What can be done?”. Yes, the assertion of limiting guns in the hands of powerless people is germane to this question of what can be done, and helping people learn and use non-dominating forms of power from early on might be a good start. Seeing world conflicts as expressions of powerlessness certainly offers the possibility of approaching conflicts more thoughtfully.
This approach seemed to work wonders with my clients / patients. I did have a very low recidivism rate while I ran my Aggression Management Course for the courts in Washtenaw County, Michigan. Persuasion is important – especially as a positive manipulation, and can we think of these questions as matters of power and expand our way of getting what we want so we can avoid the dominations inherent in negative manipulations and force?
Respectively submitted,
Michael Rudy, LMSW, CFP©, EA
Wolakota – The Space of Harmony and Power
878 South Grove St., LL
Ypsilanti, MI 48198
