Nikki K. Lopez International

I vividly remember the day I saw life drain from my mother’s face; it was my wedding day.

That look still haunts me.

Although I was excited about planning my wedding, I silently dreaded letting my mother know, this meant that I would be leaving Jamaica. This meant not just leaving her and life as I knew it for 24 years; but I was also robbing her of life with her first grandchild, then only 4 years old. She learned during the groom’s toast.......that look on her face then, should’ve been my warning.

Starting a new life in America was nothing like I hoped for, wanted or imagined. My daughter and I were now in a completely foreign land to us, a Southern State; one can imagine the culture shock. But, the hardest part was when reality hit me days later; I realized I was unemployable. I could not drive. I did not even have my own cell phone. I had no family or friends; just completely alone with a 4-year old and an absentee, new husband, due to his work in the Military. I was broke. My husband was broke. Everything I took for granted in Jamaica was now a fleeting memory. I literally felt like I was nobody.

But the hardest truth was that my husband had sold me false hope about the life I would have. How could I have not known? Why was I so gullible? Why did I rush into marriage? Why did I leave my easy going, fairly respectable life in Jamaica where I had family and numerous friends?

I started resenting him and was disgusted at myself. I wallowed in self-pity.

In the mornings I would walk with my daughter to drop her off at Kindergarten. I would tear up inside as I saw my Angel as I knew her, begin to disappear. She wasn’t happy. She missed her home. She hated everything, including the lunch which was provided daily. I would beg her to eat, knowing that was possibly her only sure meal for the day. I would then walk back home and cry myself to sleep. In the evenings I’d force myself to appear to be happy as I picked her up and listened to her stories, hoping that she would have one good day - that day never came.

Then it got worse. Like a dagger in my heart I found out I was pregnant. All I remember thinking is there’s no way I would be able to love this being inside me; then, I’d hate myself for harboring such ugly thoughts.

Whatever happened, and was happening, I already had one life I was responsible for and I was failing miserably. I could not continue that way. That was when I was dubbed, ”the nagging wife”. I became the wife who needed answers, the wife who started emasculating her husband, the wife who had one mission and one focus - her kids - at whatever cost. I started believing I could - the what, how and when, I had no clue; but I refused to continue to feel nothing and like nothing.

Leading up to this moment, shame and embarrassment kept me from sharing what was happening in my life. I was ashamed about my choice. I was feeling stupid that I missed the signs and I also did not want my husband to be seen as less than a man. As a result, I shut myself away. I would hope the landline would stop ringing; knowing it was my mother calling and knowing I couldn’t lie to her. We had a bond where she would know. I also knew I couldn’t tell her the truth, because with her health challenges, that would be too much for her to bear.

I decided that I would endure this no more. I reached out to my best friend. She saved me in so many ways. That call was my first step to rediscovering me. I became Nikki again. The person who knew there was more to life and I now had to figure it out.

I did, because someone listened, I had hope; by trial and error I figured it out.

Now, I am that person listening to you; the only difference is I am here with proven strategies, no trial and error. Let me support you in your next chapter!