07/29/2025
Boyyyy let me tell you how today spiraled into an episode of Maury meets Fast & Furious: Baby Mama Drift Edition. I got a brand new 2025 Dodge Durango literally fresh off the lot, still smells like betrayal. He drives a 2015 Duramax, big lifted truck that feels like scaling Mount Everest every time I have to get my toddler in while six months pregnant.
So this morning, his truck’s in the driveway. I groan, roll my eyes, and mentally prep to climb that damn thing like it’s American Ninja Warrior Mom Edition. I hit the road and what do I see? My brand new Durango…casually cruising past me like it doesn’t even know me. I blink twice like, ain’t no way, pull up Life360 and boom he’s at work. But guess who’s not? His dusty ass baby mama behind the wheel of my SUV like she paid the down payment in bad decisions.
Cue the theme music I hit up 911 like, Yes, I’d like to report a car theft and possibly a complete lapse in judgment. Meanwhile, I sn**ch my toddler, pull a switcheroo in a gas station lot, lock the keys in his truck, drop the pin, and text him like, Your problem now, champ.
I then took my glowing, pregnant self straight to the courthouse, filed for divorce in full queen mode, called my dad to change the locks on MY house, and had all his belongings shrink wrapped on the porch like an Amazon return. Oh, and her? Arrested. Grand theft. Congrats.
That truck? In my name too. I told him he’s got 7 business days to refinance or I’m repo’ing it like Sally from Accounting collecting unpaid PTO. Took the plates off, canceled the insurance, and walked off into the sunset sipping my iced coffee like the villain in her final form.
Moral of the story! don’t play checkers when the queen’s out here playing savage chess. 🖤👑
